How we found ourselves in Costa Rica

Welcome

Let me start by introducing myself, I’m Danielle! I have no formal experience in writing and I have been known for my rebellious grammar, but I love to write, I love to reflect and I love to create. To be honest, I am still in shock that I finally made it to my computer, as I type I am almost reluctant to begin. My stomach is knotting up and my mind is telling me that this could be another short lived pursuit. I am not trying to scare you off, I have just decided to show up just as I am. The other side of this is my passionate, inspired and curious self, so happy that she is on a new adventure.

I haven't always related to this woman who stands before you today, I am actually very unfamiliar with myself these days in many ways but on the other hand, I almost feel like I have finally come home. The only way I could explain this is a loss of my old self, the identity I had created, stripped bare and left naked searching in the dark for something safe to hold onto, then I find it and I am held by the man I love and I have our baby in my arms, we breathe together and for the first time in my life I feel like I belong, in the moments when my mind in calm and my heart is open, I am fully absorbed in this unconditional union.

Anyways, through these words I will try to transfer my heart which is intended to inspire and relieve the sense of loneliness which is lingering at the moment. I will be sharing snippets of my life which I think will offer a chance for contemplation and bring a warm hug to all of your fears and worries. I will also be sharing creative and healing practices to support you and your family to thrive and connect!

Where did my fascination with holistic healing and ancient practices come from? As a child I felt a disconnect from many of my peers, I learnt to put on many masks to ‘fit in’, I was an incredible impersonator of artists, popular children, musicians, pop stars….but I was sick to my soul,

What am I doing?

Was anyone really enjoying this play?

With a loving creative mother hidden behind an unconventional upbringing, I knew I wasn’t destined for this life. I left to join the army at 16, so inspired by the warrior energy of tomb raider growing up, I was now on my own mission! As with many ideas, it wasn’t all I had hoped but I did find my inner strength and voice. I was a respected member of the British army, an elite and rival for most men, I cut off from my innate feminine wisdom and dived into the cage of animals. I always performed, I always showed up!

Alongside being a nurse, I was a leader of troops, I was part of the physical training instructor club which meant people had a fear of me, I had the power to push them to the extremes to experience pain through fitness. It breaks my heart to hear these words but this is what I was brainwashed to believe.

It wasn’t until my separation in 2014 that I started to hear my inner goddess, holding on for life,

She whispered “I am still here”

I felt a wave of hope, I am not going crazy. I have just forgotten how to stay still for long enough to listen. Ceremony, rituals and spirituality had always been of great interest to me and when I found yoga in my early 20’s a curiosity ignited in me, that young girl who would lay the forest with flour in the hope of finding footprints from ghosts, was once again returning. This time the curiosity was towards what was hidden within.

I could no longer stay in this untruthful, controlling and draining environment. With gratitude for the wisdom I learnt, I left after 12 years. I began to travel around the world, volunteering, running health promotion projects, studying the wisdom of yoga, I was reborn and I was totally in ore of what I was discovering. One of the workshops which I see as my main catalyst for transformation was my yoni shakti course with Uma, after a lifetime of manipulating my menstrual cycle with chemicals, abusing my body through physical, mental and emotional stress, I was welcomed into a womb with around a hundred magnificent women. It was the first time I’d experience this cosy, warm and peaceful environment. The first time I had questioned my rhythms and sacred wisdom as a female. I was drawn to yoga because it was so masculine; very systematic, but this was more like a big delicious hug from a trusted friend.

I cried so much “there you are”

One of my other fears is that I am starting something new AGAIN, so many ideas, so little time! For this I had to ask myself

“What is my intention?”

What presented itself was a dancing heart ready to share and also a space to hold my memories, ideas and creations. There are many areas which fascinate me, but all come back to healing the bodymind, boosting our immunity, living naturally and in rhythm and tapping into my soul expression.

So let’s dance around different topics and ideas to step into our natural state of being, continuously shedding out old stories to make room for more spectacular moments.

The world is transforming, some days I feel caught in the hurricane and other days I feel as though I am sitting on the clouds breathing in the fresh, cool air, simply basking in the peace beyond the madness. Since 2020 I have lived in Costa Rica, I moved from France where I birthed my first baby…a yoga and permaculture retreat! I had nurtured this land for 7 years with my family but when my ovaries and heart connected to a beautiful man in Guatemala in 2019, I knew life was about to change. This was like nothing I'd experienced, it was as though every cell in my body was drawing me to this person, my mind was not sure about this hairy, mysterious man but there was an uncontrollable pull towards him. It wasn't always pretty either, most of the time I was in a battle with my head and my heart and didnt know which one was which.

Long story short, we continued our journey together, ending up in France with the latest news of the pregnancy, absolutely not planned and not fully accepted by Ilan. I didn't really have a chance to question the pregnancy because I was too busy protecting it and persuading Ilan it was the right thing to do, after knowing each other for only 6 months I had no doubt this was exactly how it should be.

But how did we get to Costa Rica? Ilan’s visa was running out, France was going into an extreme lockdown and the latest news that homeschooling would be banned soon, shifted our ideas about raising a family there. One night Ilan was in bed whilst I was on the computer randomly googling midwives Costa Rica, I wasn’t even going to mention it...as if we would move to COSTA RICA! He joined me downstairs that evening and told me he’d had a vision of going to Costa Rica, I couldn't believe it!

So, here we are in beautiful, abundant Costa Rica with a plus one, our beautiful gift Auraya, born 20th March 2021 - 95% at home, I’ll get into this story another time, it deserves its own space!

Pregnancy was so powerful for me, all the time to relax, strengthen my body, address fears, let go of all the BS that was draining me of life force, I don’t know if I ever truly believed another human would ever be joining us. I was getting bigger and I could feel her, I would spend my days creating this perfect little temple for her to grow freely but unlike many of the spiritual pregnancy books I was reading, I didn’t experience a deep connection, I just knew we were deeply connected and that was that. I tried to meditate with her, talk to her but it felt uncomfortable and unauthentic, so I just focused on what I needed in each moment to feel at peace, I let go of the need to ‘experience’ the connection.

I feel Auraya chose us to nurture her and everything I was offering was enough, we were made for each other. When she was born I underestimated the amount of time she would need from me, which sounds ridiculous to say now. If only I’d have known I would have spent more time enjoying doing nothing...yea right!?

Ilan and I have done this completely alone and everyday I wonder if I will ever be able to have a full conversation with a friend, pee in peace, eat my food instead of inhaling it, smell like something other than sweat and breastmilk… you get it. That being said, she is the most precious creation to me and I would choose this life again and again. As much as I would love to see her held so tightly by her grandparents, I know this is exactly as it should be.

After the birth I expected to be rolling in my feminine but I realized I was cutting off my creative and ritualistic self, I felt so emotionally unstable that I was afraid to hold space for what was underneath. One evening during a yoni steam, I felt my vagina and anus so tight, I wanted to end the ceremony but I recognized this feeling, it was just like when I started meditation classes, the discomfort of being with what is without distraction. This moment was my bridge back into the practices I had learnt along my journey.

It guided me to you.

Being a mother was nothing I’d ever really fantasized about, I wasnt oppose to the idea but I never felt that urge to reproduce, I mean I definitely had the urge to have sex and the drive for this was my biological need and a self worth issue I’d been working on. As I write, I am very aware that these comments need room to be explored. Over time I will share more about my life to offer questions, practices and space to go deeper into your own complex yet beautiful web of existence.

I welcome simple, practical and gentle practices to sit with during this journey through motherhood. To live intentionally, remembering the elements of our being, our dance with nature, the ancient wisdom in herbs and natural medicine. Let’s inspire ourselves.

When we slow down to take a deep breath and feel, we are once again reunited with the highest aspect of ourselves, to be recharged and healed.

My story is very similar to other expats who decided to raise a family here, when I arrived I felt so alone. I have some truly incredible friends and family who I speak to almost everyday but the moments where you just want to dissolve into nothingness whilst someone cares for your baby is another thing. Then the day came when I met a wonderful human who had a boy close to Auraya’s age, we decided to create a weekly gathering for the mums and babies, currently we have 32 mothers supporting each other. It has transformed my experience as a mother beyond belief, now I feel empowered and held by beautiful new mothers who appreciate in-depth conversations about snot and poop!

I contemplate on how we ‘should’ raise her. Which system would align most with our beliefs and ideas? Which style of parenting would serve our family? This is a completely overwhelming concept, parenting is an idea, the relationship between Auraya, Ilan and I is completely unique.

I was rocking her to sleep this evening and I thought to myself “I wonder how long she will sleep in bed with us? How long is normal?” Co-sleeping in itself is a controversial topic, never mind how long and what are the effects of this arrangement. I caught my thoughts and I laughed. I decided to imagine I knew nothing about these concepts, about parenting and about the stories I had been told, instead I felt my heart. I felt this precious baby who had arrived on this earth through my body, this little vulnerable human so in love with me, I felt the question melt away, these moments will last as long as they last, this moment is such a gift that I refuse to destroy it with fear and expectations.

I welcome Auraya to share this journey with us and I vow to remove unnecessary obstacles to reveal the wisdom she holds.

That all being said, I continue to read and take inspiration with me and leave anything that doesn't connect. We are all trying to do our best with the life situation we are in, for some co-sleeping would be out of the question, for many reasons. I would love for us to stay open minded, to notice when there is judgement and to be curious to why people decided to do what they do.

My good friend reminded me recently, it’s ok to be messy, it’s ok to not know why, it’s ok to do what feels good…

Ilan has a gift to feel energy and distribute it to relieve unnecessary tension caused by thoughts, illness, trauma, habits etc, we all have this capability, he is able to tune into it instantaneously. He taught me to stop, feel and love everything that arises so that the held energy doesn’t decide your next move. This changed my life! That being said, I truly believe there is magic held within the use of different tools for expansion, such as mantra, art, sound, breathwork, movement, cooking, dreaming…. All the things we can experience in the human form. I see these practices as tools to remember the wisdom we hold inside, we are the greatest hard drive filled with the knowledge of our ancestors and of course there is no filter so we also experience emotions linked to trauma and fears which we may not have experienced in this life. This is of course my own belief and I rejoice whenever I listen to anything relating to epigenetics. That being said, I am not here to try and convince you of anything, I will openly say I know nothing but I am willing to engage in different practices to experience as much of this life as possible.

I’ll be wrapping it up there,

Blessings to you.

Danielle